you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
