i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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