Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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