It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
