How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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