Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
