it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
