Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
