took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
