how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
