i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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