I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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