Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
