dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
