I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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