Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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