birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
