remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
