So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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