you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
