Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
