first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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