hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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