Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
