Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We left the knife in your bed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
