he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
