WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
cat food counts as protein by the way
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
