i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
