Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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