Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
