if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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