If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How's work?
Spinning.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
