I am puke
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
