Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
