Where is the hickey?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
