I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
