When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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