I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
