when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
