That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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