Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
