This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
