my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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