I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
