I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
