Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also, beer. Big fan.
this is an emotional support booty call
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
