I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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