my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
