apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
