I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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